For nearly a month words failed me.
It was as if a light turned off inside of me on December 14, 2012 and for countless reasons I withdrew…I withdrew from myself, my family, friends, social media…and for a while I really felt as if very little mattered.
It was a dark period.
Feelings of hopelessness overtook me I was disparate if not heartbroken…in other words I was lost in the depths of depression. The state of the world and our country consumed me; I wondered where we had arrived and where we were headed. I stewed and stewed. At one point it occurred to me that if I was of childbearing years right now if I would consider having kids. I thought about everything that was wrong…and for a while…I really couldn’t find my way back to what was right. But all along I kept asking the same question everyday…how can I begin to heal from this?
Given I do have children and cleave to a long held belief that in order to heal one must look inward. I began writing…and writing…and writing. And while writing…words failed me over and over again.
Before December 14, 2012 a few posts were waiting their turn in the queue…but inside I couldn’t reconcile continuing with a healing theme without finding my voice amidst the tragedy of Sandy Hook.
Worn down by the darkness, I turned to my own previously published thoughts on healing in an effort to re-ground myself:
“Even the smallest fissure allows light in. Much like an internal beacon, the radiance that drew me out of the darkness that enveloped me began as a twinkle, a nearly imperceptible ray of brightness at the base of my core.”
And there in my own words I found light. I continued to read…
“And when the cloak of darkness slips over my shoulders from time to time—I breathe in—how do I best honor what I am feeling?
Feel it, be with it. Let go of self-deprecation, have patience, dignity—breathe out.
Honoring my myriad emotions helps me to continue the warm embrace I have for the woman I am. The pain leaves me and slowly is replaced with renewed sense of worthiness—what a gift.”
Paying homage to my emotions is a way of honoring the woman I am and in a way that affords me the grace of honoring others too.
Thanks in part to a nudge from my friend Ana Lewis of Women on the Verge finally I was able to write a piece called, Missing, it still does not fully encapsulate all that I think and feel but it was and is a beginning. As a group we spoke about Civility on Blog Talk Radio (scheduled to air on 1/16/13)…again inspired by Ana, and when we hung up, I felt it, that thread of a renewed sense of hope.
Although I remain haunted by the violence in our world, I know I must continue to question and seek answers, the only way to continue is to move forward, to fuel that sense of hope…the hope that is born from healing and sharing. It is imperative that I take action, to find others who also share the notion that our future generations deserve better…